casimir pulaski day

your life is fine part 2

Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother’s did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain… I’m 20 years old and pop like an arthritic 50 year old. FML

fact: if you get married before you are legally allowed to drink at your wedding, you start to age twice as fast as the rest of us. also fact: this “benefit of marriage” you speak of is actually just a benefit of functioning genitalia. us unmarrieds get to do it too.

Today, I finally got out of the hospital for having Swine Flu for 3 weeks. So to celebrate, I went for a nice ride on my horse. While I was riding some birds flew in front of us and scared my horse. I am now back in the hospital because my horse ran over me. FML

white whine

Today, I missed my bus. I had to ride my bike 2 miles. Once I left, some jerk nearly hit me. I flipped him off and shouted obsceneties [sic]. It was my dad, offering me a ride. He left. FML

dude, that’s, like, a 10 minute bike ride. world’s smallest violin, right here.

Today, my jeep wouldn’t start so I opened the hood. I slammed my fingers in my jeep’s hood. It latched shut. My hood release was inside the cab, and the jeep was in neutral and on an incline. It started to roll… with a ditch about 5 yards away. I had to skin my own fingers to get them out. FML

and yet you typed this? also, your jeep wouldn’t start but you put it in neutral so you could go check it out? SHENANIGANS!

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

SHENANIGANS AGAIN! how did you know it was payday? there isn’t, like, national pay day or something. how much did you think you were getting paid? who hired you? what construction company did you think you worked for? how did you think anyone would believe that this actually happened?

Today, I started writing a paper at 11PM. I was falling asleep so I made tea to keep me awake. After I finished it, I went to put the box away and realized that I had just drank “Sleepytime” caffeine-free tea. I may as well have taken a sedative. FML

oh my god you guys. today i had a headache and i took some tylenol to make it go away. when i went to put away the bottle i realized i’d just taken tic tacs. i might as well have taken pain pills you guys! just make some regular tea and write your stupid paper. it’s fucking tea, not vicodin.

</crankytimes>

your life is fine

i can’t be the only person who thinks most of the people who post to “f my life” are assholes.

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

boo hoo. you live in a terrible romantic comedy. next.

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

get a motherfuckin’ map, dude.

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

that’s just made up. and not even funny. boooooo-urns.

Today, I totalled my car. I flipped it over on the freeway and broke my collarbone in the process. I was in extreme pain and unable to move. It took the ambulance an hour to get there in rush hour traffic. The song repeating on my iPod was, “Don’t Worry, be Happy.” FML

you had “don’t worry, be happy” on your ipod. this one’s on you, dude.

Today, my aunt came into the world. My 67 year-old grandfather married a 24 year-old woman who just gave birth to my new aunt, who is 18 years younger than me. FML

how is this your problem?

Today I was at a party and saw an old friend from college. I went up to her asking how she was and how her family was. She went on to tell me that her husband left her a month ago and started crying. I told her that he was an ass anyway and that she didn’t need him. Turns out he died. FML

look, either that lady lied when she told you her husband left her, or her husband left her and then he died. if it’s the former, that’s obnoxious and she deserved it; if it’s the later, you were still right. win-win!

Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML

ok, i might give you that one. connect four is the WORST. IT’S JUST TIC-TAC-TOE YOU GUYS.

</crankytimes>

fig ice cream

just in case you were wondering how awesome fig ice cream is, i will tell you. it is fucking awesome.

start with the basic recipe from this jenni’s ice cream article (columbus has the best ice cream ohmahgah) but instead of vanilla bean add a pint of black mission figs that you’ve peeled and blended with the zest and jucie of half a lemon and a little bit (like, half a teaspoon maybe? just, you know, not that much) of vanilla extract.

i can’t eat figs by themselves, too grainy for me, but i love fig-falvored things. i also love not-that-sweet ice cream flavors. hence, fig ice cream.

you’re welcome.