casimir pulaski day

your life is fine part 2

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 11:07:33 -0600

Today, I was enjoying the benefits of marriage with my new husband. We were changing positions when my joints started crackling and popping like my mother’s did when I was a kid. My husband stopped, concerned about my possible pain… I’m 20 years old and pop like an arthritic 50 year old. FML

fact: if you get married before you are legally allowed to drink at your wedding, you start to age twice as fast as the rest of us. also fact: this “benefit of marriage” you speak of is actually just a benefit of functioning genitalia. us unmarrieds get to do it too.

Today, I finally got out of the hospital for having Swine Flu for 3 weeks. So to celebrate, I went for a nice ride on my horse. While I was riding some birds flew in front of us and scared my horse. I am now back in the hospital because my horse ran over me. FML

white whine

Today, I missed my bus. I had to ride my bike 2 miles. Once I left, some jerk nearly hit me. I flipped him off and shouted obsceneties [sic]. It was my dad, offering me a ride. He left. FML

dude, that’s, like, a 10 minute bike ride. world’s smallest violin, right here.

Today, my jeep wouldn’t start so I opened the hood. I slammed my fingers in my jeep’s hood. It latched shut. My hood release was inside the cab, and the jeep was in neutral and on an incline. It started to roll… with a ditch about 5 yards away. I had to skin my own fingers to get them out. FML

and yet you typed this? also, your jeep wouldn’t start but you put it in neutral so you could go check it out? SHENANIGANS!

Today, it was supposed to be payday. Instead, it was the day I found out that, for two weeks, I have been volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, and am not actually employed by a construction company. FML

SHENANIGANS AGAIN! how did you know it was payday? there isn’t, like, national pay day or something. how much did you think you were getting paid? who hired you? what construction company did you think you worked for? how did you think anyone would believe that this actually happened?

Today, I started writing a paper at 11PM. I was falling asleep so I made tea to keep me awake. After I finished it, I went to put the box away and realized that I had just drank “Sleepytime” caffeine-free tea. I may as well have taken a sedative. FML

oh my god you guys. today i had a headache and i took some tylenol to make it go away. when i went to put away the bottle i realized i’d just taken tic tacs. i might as well have taken pain pills you guys! just make some regular tea and write your stupid paper. it’s fucking tea, not vicodin.

your life is fine

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 19:28:40 -0600

i can’t be the only person who thinks most of the people who post to “f my life” are assholes.

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

boo hoo. you live in a terrible romantic comedy. next.

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

get a motherfuckin’ map, dude.

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

that’s just made up. and not even funny. boooooo-urns.

Today, I totalled my car. I flipped it over on the freeway and broke my collarbone in the process. I was in extreme pain and unable to move. It took the ambulance an hour to get there in rush hour traffic. The song repeating on my iPod was, “Don’t Worry, be Happy.” FML

you had “don’t worry, be happy” on your ipod. this one’s on you, dude.

Today, my aunt came into the world. My 67 year-old grandfather married a 24 year-old woman who just gave birth to my new aunt, who is 18 years younger than me. FML

how is this your problem?

Today I was at a party and saw an old friend from college. I went up to her asking how she was and how her family was. She went on to tell me that her husband left her a month ago and started crying. I told her that he was an ass anyway and that she didn’t need him. Turns out he died. FML

look, either that lady lied when she told you her husband left her, or her husband left her and then he died. if it’s the former, that’s obnoxious and she deserved it; if it’s the later, you were still right. win-win!

Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML

ok, i might give you that one. connect four is the WORST. IT’S JUST TIC-TAC-TOE YOU GUYS.

fig ice cream

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 21:44:55 -0500

just in case you were wondering how awesome fig ice cream is, i will tell you. it is fucking awesome.

start with the basic recipe from this jenni’s ice cream article (columbus has the best ice cream ohmahgah) but instead of vanilla bean add a pint of black mission figs that you’ve peeled and blended with the zest and jucie of half a lemon and a little bit (like, half a teaspoon maybe? just, you know, not that much) of vanilla extract.

i can’t eat figs by themselves, too grainy for me, but i love fig-falvored things. i also love not-that-sweet ice cream flavors. hence, fig ice cream.

you’re welcome.

azizisbored: Hannibal Burress on Jimmy Fallon Hannibal is one...

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 17:30:25 -0500

azizisbored:

Hannibal Burress on Jimmy Fallon

Hannibal is one of my favorite new comics. He lives in NYC right now. That apple juice joke is so good.

yay! i love this guy!

things that are awesome: 1) shirts with animals 2) shirts that...

Mon, 25 May 2009 10:41:00 -0500

things that are awesome:

1) shirts with animals

2) shirts that pretend to be other articles of clothing

YOU CAN HAVE BOTH.

also available: panda, kitten, regular tiger

(you can click through to my tumblr. THERE ARE PICTURES. make it possible to have more than 1 photo on the dashboard, tumblr.)

paulscheer: I look at this picture everyday, to feel better...

Sat, 09 May 2009 23:18:36 -0500

paulscheer:

I look at this picture everyday, to feel better about myself.

rachell:

(via bunkercomplex)

yeah, but right after this happens, he totally beats the trunchbull. so win.

(via tofuttibreak) truth

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 16:49:59 -0500

(via tofuttibreak)

truth

oliviaisferosch: AHHHHHHHHH jackson and i already wanted a...

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:21:48 -0500

oliviaisferosch:

AHHHHHHHHH

jackson and i already wanted a french bulldog. this seals the deal. it will be named either beatrix or gordie.

storybook fashion

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 19:22:40 -0500

storybook fashion:

aaaaaarrrggggg! heart!

see also: http://blazedanielle.wordpress.com/2009/02/05/storybook-fashion-ii/ (meg murry!)

apparently my corner used to be a tourist attraction. the...

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 14:43:00 -0600

apparently my corner used to be a tourist attraction. the picture above is what it looks like today from my balcony.

these postcards are apparently what my corner used to look like (click through to my tumblr, they don’t show up on dashboard):

phrases that will never be in my facebook status (but are in my...

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 21:45:14 -0600

phrases that will never be in my facebook status (but are in my “friends’”):

“is excited to have booked the fiddle duo for the ceremony.”

hi tumblr! missed you.

What was your first job?

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:47:26 -0600

laurao:

oliviaisferosch:

alohanico:

blocksonblox:

thephenthouse:

Working in a fish market off the docks of Long Beach Island, NJ. You?

Score keeper at little league baseball games

I worked as a cashier at an organic grocery store.

Me: I was a Spanish tutor (ha!) and quickly thereafter worked in a coffee shop (still one of my favourite jobs I had). I think I made a whopping $5.25/hour at both.

I worked at the ice skating rink as an ice guard and assistant coach.

i worked in the lab at a 1-hour photo. we were an actual camera shop and took a little bit more care than the drugstore on the 1-hour photo orders, which meant we actually adjusted the brightness and color of the photos we printed and then checked every photo to make sure there weren’t water spots etc. this meant at least 2 separate people in the lab looked at ALL OF YOUR PHOTOS. people did not seem to comprehend this. my favorite roll: 24 photos of a guy doing chores (cleaning the fire place, washing dishes, making breakfast)—all buck naked.

(via tofuttibreak) reason #4578 why i moved away from columbus,...

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 07:29:22 -0600

(via tofuttibreak)

reason #4578 why i moved away from columbus, ohio.

"so, yeah, the next time someone asks me what my favorite animal is, my official position is “a..."

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 21:29:00 -0600

““so, yeah, the next time someone asks me what my favorite animal is, my official position is “a hedgehog on top of a wombat on top of a platypus”
although, the platypus would probably have to be on top of the wombat. it’s smaller. i think.””

- ME

stuff i have consumed in some capacity in the last 24 hours, because i had to fly home from detroit...

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 19:50:59 -0600

stuff i have consumed in some capacity in the last 24 hours, because i had to fly home from detroit and now i’m in the apartment by myself and am bored:

this book was surprizingly good. i got to read the last 100 pages on a plane/bus/train so i didn’t have to put it down. win. the main characters dad is a vaguely successful political science professor. that’s like my dad! our similiarities end there. i don’t understand this blue character. the ending is fun, though. don’t read this book if you hate metaphors and similies.

open up a thesaurus and look up “cute.” that’s it. except i don’t understand why patrick dempsy’s first girlfriend has to get the shaft. why does someone always have to get brutally dumped? i think michael showalter tried to address this problem (with very, very limited success) in “the baxter.” just stop making life suck for the first girlfriend/boyfriend. it’s not fair. they’re nice people too.

the english title of this movie is “i’m reed fish.” that german text on what i assume is the german poster is probably discernable by all of you, even if you didn’t live in germany for a few years/take 2 years of college german classes*, but i will translate for you anyway. it says “my name is fish.” that is kind of a different title, right? it doesn’t matter. this is a terrible movie. i knew it would be bad, but i was like rory** and steven***!!! i will watch you! wow. this is really super stupid. the whole movie is actually a movie within a movie, but the only difference between the movie within the movie and the story of the “my name is fish” movie is that the two female leads are played by different actresses. what? yeah, i don’t get it either. don’t watch it.

watching this one right now. nothing has happened. maybe it would seem like something was happening if i was high. or not. jury is still out.

we ordered indian food before we flew to detroit for christmas. there were a lot of leftovers. guess what? indian leftovers are still totally good 5 days later. just so you know. (that’s not them, that’s a google image search. i ate mine.)

*this is not bragging. i do not speak german. like, at all. people should study how bad i am at learning languages. it defies all logic.

**i <3 gilmore girls a lot

***i also <3 undelcared a lot. i’m a little angry both of these people betrayed me so badly.

what to do when you’re down to 1 egg, live in a neighborhood of weird-smelling and perpetually...

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 21:05:07 -0600

what to do when you’re down to 1 egg, live in a neighborhood of weird-smelling and perpetually under-stocked bodgeas, and desperately want cookies? a half-batch of chocolate chip cookies using the leftover 4 ounce sof baking chocolate from thanksgiving. that, combined with the fact that i finished sewing a quit top for my mom’s christmas present today, and i’m feeling like i need some girl scout patches. or 1950s housewife patches. or something.

and just in case anyone else wanted to make a half-batch of cookies, one half of 3/4 cup is 1/3 cup plus 2 teaspoons, and half of 2 1/4 cups is 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons. you’re welcome.

"When my 23-year-old son learned I was considering Botox injections, he said, “Oh, great, now I can..."

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 12:00:10 -0600

“When my 23-year-old son learned I was considering Botox injections, he said, “Oh, great, now I can get a tattoo.” I disapprove of tattoos because they disturb our natural bodies. He replied that the same could be said about Botox. I argued that Botox is an improvement. Thoughts?”

- The Ethicist - Payback - Question - NYTimes.com

the obvious answer is “i think you are fucking retarded.”

oliviaisferosch: - “Yeah Yeah,” Matt and Kim (Flosstradamus...

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 22:14:31 -0600

oliviaisferosch:

- “Yeah Yeah,” Matt and Kim (Flosstradamus remix)

still a fave.

don’t really care about music at all right now (or since i graduated from college). but i fucking love this song.

The ultimate personality test

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 22:13:04 -0600

bullshit:

It’s not strange to disagree about movies that are wildly different, and there are surely a few random movies that are very polarizing. What I find most interesting is which movie people consider the best movie from a particular director, as it is usually very telling and polarizing in a different way, so to this point I will propose a new personality test where you reblog your favorite movie from each of these directors:

Joel Coen: No Country for Old Men, The Big Lebowski, Fargo, The Hudsucker Proxy, Miller’s Crossing, Raising Arizona, etc

Wes Anderson: The Darjeeling Limited, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, The Royal Tennenbaums, Rushmore, Bottle Rocket, etc

Hal Ashby: Being There, Shampoo, Harold and Maude, etc

Kevin Smith: Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Dogma, Chasing Amy, Mallrats, Clerks, etc

Quentin Tarantino: Grindhouse, Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, etc

My results: Miller’s Crossing, Bottle Rocket, Being There, Mallrats, Reservoir Dogs. Judge accordingly.

mine: fargo, rushmore, don’t care, mallrats, pulp fiction (with reservations, don’t really care)

"As I am standing here, doing curls, I am reminded of a joke about a frog who is working out in the..."

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:48:07 -0600

“As I am standing here, doing curls, I am reminded of a joke about a frog who is working out in the gym, like we are, wearing bright-colored shorts and a muscle shirt. Because he cannot grow a mustache, he has drawn a small one on his face in Magic Marker. Just a little bit, like Hitler. But the frog is sweating, and sweating, and so the marker smears all over his face, and then a unicorn, who is using the treadmill next to him, she says, “Did you shave in the locker room?” and the frog screams, “Shut up! You’re not real!””

- Noted Post-Marxist Sociologist, Philosopher, and Cultural Critic Slavoj Žižek Welcomes You to the Gym.

this is my new favorite joke. it replaces the muffin joke.